Marriage

I often wish that I had learned things earlier rather than later.  My relationship with my wife before and after our wedding was great but did contain the occasional hiccup.  We had our misunderstandings and arguments.  We got on each other's nerves.  The more experience I get the easier our relationship becomes.

After reading a BBC article about a husband and wife team that has spent extended time together in isolation from other people, it dawned on me that much of our life has been slightly more secluded than what many people may have.  As an example, before kids we would go to work, go out to eat and do a variety of leisure activities such as biking, travel, going to the beach or movies, or shopping.  We either did these things together as a couple or alone.  We seldom have guests (outside of the occasional relative coming to visit) to our home and we rarely go to others houses.  Even after kids, we keep mainly to ourselves.  (We do have the occasional play date with neighbors but not many.)  Maybe this self sought isolation contributed to our early arguments.

I found through time that there are very few things worth arguing about.  (Take note: I believe debating is great for a relationship but the difference is that a debate is a logical exchange of opinions and ideas and an argument is two people yelling at each other thinking they're the one that is right and the other is wrong!)  Looking back, I realize many of the things I got upset about were minor annoyances.  I wonder how many times my wife got upset with me for little things that I did.  The article describes that in times of isolation, people get irritable about things that are minor (aka cabin fever).  As an example, one time I got frustrated and upset about how my wife was not stacking the dishes in the cupboard the way I thought was best.

"Cabin fever usually manifests itself first in signs of irritation, and ends in violence."

I wish that someone would have taken me aside and taught me these things.  As a young adult, I don't know if I would have listened but it may have saved a great deal of trouble.  For my kids who may read this in the future, here are some things I learned about marriage from this article.

 "One has to be able to give the other person mental elbow room."

If my wife is in the same room with me, I sometimes have a hard time with this one.  I have learned that when she goes into our room she is usually needing some private time to read, work or do bills.  It's a lot less distracting compared to our main living area.

"Remain sensitive to each other's moods and concerns, never belittling."

I don't think I've done this often but I do know couples that have nagged at each other and they have ended in divorce.

"Showing care benefits both."

My wife has told me that the little things that I do make her happier even if they are relatively minor things.  She enjoys it when I open doors for her, or give her a back rub in the evening.  These things may not be efficient uses of time but they help our relationship.

In a marriage, we need to work as two independent parts of the same machine.  We each have our roles and jobs but we need to be able to work together to accomplish our goals.  As a couple and as parents, our goal should be to raise our children and keep our family together.  That means developing a good relationship with each other.  Hopefully, what I've learned will help keep our family strong throughout the future.